Thursday, September 16, 2004


Big news all.

Last night something caught me totally by dad.
Thing is...I might be moving. He asked me to sit down on the couch and layed it all in front of me...Joe Griffin might soon be living in Cincinnatti...shit how much is that gonna suck I can't even spell it right.

I'm super pissed at my family life right now. I'm always like that. I can get so angry and pissy at home but when I come to school I hide it for the most part. I think that's a good thing because I wouldn't want to seem like a pissy bitch at school but it's getting harder for me to surpress my feelings when something like this hits home and affects my WHOLE social life.

here is what I've come up with on what I'd be gaining by moving:

1-New school so clean slate with teachers(thing is I don't need one)
2-Financially sound household(but I'd leave the house in a year anyway)
3-possibility of new friends and experiences
4-New home(again I'd leave it in a year)
5-School? I dunno. I dunno how schools in the cinci-whatever area are.

things I'd lose or give up:

1 -School- where I'm comfortable with learning and where I have a good footing in the drama department(which might I add is my best vent. I live for theater. any aspect of it. Limelight theater is what brought me out of a huge depression when I was younger and moving around because of my dad's job.WAH oh yeah that's right this is a repeat of what went on during most of my early years.let me see born in Kansas moved to florida then to virginia, then to wisconsin, then to Illinois. I still remember the day my parents promised me whe we first moved here that we would stay here for good at least till I moved out.well the government goes back on alot of their promises what would make you think that the people would have this same dirty habit.)
2-Social life- NOt that it's much of one j/k. I want all my friends out there reading my blog to know right now that I love every single one of you. I'm so humbled that I have as many friends as I do and as good as I do. Without you all I'd be a gothic subjugate, slitting my wrists and pucking my guts out to every grief and problem I am faced with. I can hate my family so much at times but when I go to school to you all where you welcome me with open arms and I don't have to worry about anything because you'll listen and hug me and make me laugh and you make me cry when I go to sleep thinking that I might have to leave you all early. I know someday I'll leave you all but that time shouldn't be now...I'm not ready.
3-The City- I love Chicago. I want to go to school there and I want to live there. I've made that decision in my mind for some time now. I'm torn that I'd have to leave my surroundings.

I don't even want to think of everything else I'm leaving if I end up doing this. It's too hard for me right now.

Lately I've been crying about everything. I feel like this horrible emotional lump of stupidity. I've cried about things so stupid that It makes me just cry more. One night I was talking to Sarah about the drama dept. at OHS and she pointed out alot of things that would be lacking this year (senior actors and really potential young actors as examples.) I started thinking about it all and I went to my room to try and sleep on it but I just started bawling uncontrolably. I felt so stupid but I felt so alive. As much as I hate crying I love it...I feel SO alive when I cry. I think it's the purest and most profound reaction to an emotion. even the euphoric feeling after sex doeesn't beat feeling drained of your tears and being left with that strange feeling in the back of your head from shouting at the world in your head for being so screwed up to you all the time.

So I didn't say much about my whole postition on leaving to my parents last night but I slept on it and thought about it all day while noticing all my friends and when I got home today and my dad came home i waited for my mom to put the younger ones to bed and I tried telling my dad how I felt about the whole idea(and communicating with my dad is like trying to shove a piece of rebar up your asshole and out your bellybutton-uncomfortable and painful). All I got from my dad was that "it's not your decision to make so just let me think about it." Which I TOTALLY blew up about. BULLSHIT MAN! I'm part of this family and as long as that's true my opinion is as just as valid as your own and Moms and Andrew's and Ryan's. I made the mistake of "raising my voice" and "giving him a tone" and so we got in one of many of our fights. AGH! HELP! I just need someone to hold onto because everything hurts right now. my head and my body. I haven't slept well lately. I never fall asleep in classes but yesterday I totally went off into lala land and woke up finding I had homework that I wasn't aware of being assigned.

I can't explain this empty feeling in my gut right's so devestating and I feel as though I have no control over it. Really and truthfully I don't. I can come to terms with that. I can also come to terms with leaving if that comes to be...but I will fight and cry and hurt until I reach a stable ground where I can collect myself and take up my sword and smile on to be eager and ready to fight the oncoming day with my smile leading the way. Right now that smile eludes me and is instead replaced by a facade that hides my true state of being. I hope I find my way soon or find that his whole thing is just another bump in the road that leads to my own demise. Funny how we strive so hard every day when innevitably our path ends and times move on and so do people. I can only hope that through my life travels I can leave a little of myself behind for someone to pick up and use to their own advantage. Chances of that have me tear up too.

I promise to keep everyone updated on the condition of my condition as things move along. There is still a fighting chance and I'm fighting it with all my powers. please cheer for me. I love you all so dearly, so so dearly. I say this with all sincerety. I don't know what i'd do without you all, my friends, my mentors, my role models, and my partners in crime.

Sincerely with love,
Joseph Griffin

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