Monday, November 15, 2004


pen·e·tra·tion (pen-a-tra-shun)n.
The act or process of piercing or penetrating something, especially:

1. The act of entering a country or organization so as to establish influence or gain information.
2. An attack that penetrates enemy territory or a military front.
3. Insertion of the penis into the vagina or anus.
4. The power or ability to penetrate.
5. The depth reached by a projectile after hitting its target.
6. The degree to which a commodity, for example, is sold or recognized in a particular market.
7. The extent of influence that one culture or nation has on another.
8. The capacity or action of understanding; insight.
I need to get a grip on myself. Alot of things have changed lately in my life. I'm not sure what exactly and to what extent but things seem different. It's scary. I feel different in circumstances that I've usually been able to deal with quite easily. School is great. Speech is exciting. I feel like i'm about to face something big in my life. The anticipation is killing me. I need to slow down really badly. I need a vacation and a new perspective on life. I need a new friend and an old feeling of security, regardless of wether or not is false. I need to find so much but yet despite my position and why i'm even commenting on my feelings eludes even myself...god, that sucks.

Things seem blurry lately. My life is passing so quickly and I feel like i'm being drug behind it. My mind and body ache. Altough, It's more of a numb feeling than it is painful. I think i'm changing. If anyone notices me changing for the worse please let me know. If you comment please don't try to assuage me. I just want you all to promise that if I change for the worse to shine light on the subject and open my eyes because right now I can't quite lay a finger on what's happening to me. I hope it's just a transitional stage in my life. I'm sure it is, but it feels retarded and juvenile and that's what I'm trying to get away from. I almost think moving to Cinncinnatti might have been good for me. I think I've done too much in Oswego and my body isn't used to that. I need to get out.

I'm not sure if it has anything to do with what is going on with me but whenever I sit with my guitar and rattle out some lyrics I can never come out with anything happy or positive. Only deep and lost feeling come out in my writing and singing. Most of it I throw away or forget because I want to abandon that, and yet I still carry it's creator with me. Hmm. Have you ever contemplated the expansion of the universe around us and the constant exchange of chaos that makes our lives out to what they are. It kinda makes you feel intelligent and important abut then as you the thought stagnates in your mind you find it all confusing and you feel so small that you're put right back in your place and with nothing more gained than a wasted hour and a small headache that you know will go away and then be replaced by the same mindless rabble that fills our minds in our everyday life.

Does she like me?
Can I be what I want to be?
what should I have for lunch?
What can I do to help you say what's on your mind?
Why do we act this way?
Why can't I do this?
How will I get through this?
Why am I so lucky?
Or is it fate?
Is there such thing as fate?
I hope so...well at least to a degree.

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